Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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