420 ftw
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
