All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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