just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
