im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
