We're facebook friends in real life
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
