Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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