It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
