fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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