I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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