shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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