my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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