So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
