For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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