Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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