When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
