Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
