whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
