I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
