I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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