I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You are a genius and a whore.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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