It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
