You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
