If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
