Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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