he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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