My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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