I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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