it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
