finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
