I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
