I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
