3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
