you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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