Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
