Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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