Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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