my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
