I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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