we made out on top of his cat.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
