I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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