you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
