I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
