apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i love accidental penises.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
