took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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