K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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