the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
