No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
