She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
