i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
