i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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