It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
