oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this boner is exhausting
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
