This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
