we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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