If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
