New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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