mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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