Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
